Balance

What does it mean to be "Hard on yourself" and is it a bad thing?

The other day I wrote a blog post about having difficulty making decisions. I received a bunch of supportive comments ranging from "I know exactly what you mean" to "relax" and "don't be too hard on yourself". And as I was going to sleep that night, pacified with the knowledge that I wasn't alone, a thought struck me - was I being "hard on myself" and was it wrong?

First things first, I needed to define the concept.

What I found was basically the same everywhere: Being hard on myself meant that I was holding myself up to a higher standard than anyone else.  OK, that did sound pretty foolish but was that really what I was doing? 

My post talked of two things : Indecisiveness and Perfectionism.

Indecisiveness is not a pretty thing but I can't say I'm harder on myself than anybody else where it's concerned. I don't like the characteristic in anyone: stranger, friend or self.  So that doesn't fall into the "Being Hard on Myself" category. Score one for me!

On to the next -  Perfectionism.  The American Heritage Dictionary defines perfectionism as "A propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards." That sounds pretty bad too but a part of me wondered if it's truly that bad.  Without a desire to do things well wouldn't we all be stuck in mediocrity?  If I didn't set a high standard for my writing there'd be nothing driving me to practice and I'd never improve. The same goes for anything I do: Knitting, swimming, parenting etc.  The more I thought on the matter the surer I became that there's nothing wrong with Perfectionism, if anything, it's a desirable quality. Those of you who disagree, answer me this: Would the Mona Lisa be in the least bit memorable if Leonardo had not worked on it for almost 17 years - perfecting it?

Yet determining if Perfectionism is good or bad doesn't answer the main question : do I expect more of myself than of others where it's concerned?  The honest answer : Sometimes, but not in this case. Score two for me!

Now that the definition of "being hard on yourself" has been addressed it's time to see if the behavior is wrong. The answer is yes, if one goes by general perception but I'm not one to do so. Therefore I decided to look to myself for the answer.

My parenting skills is the area where I can honestly say I'm hard on myself.  Specifically in trying to keep my temper in check.  The results of this self imposed pressure have been two-fold.  On the one hand I'm a lot gentler and more tolerant of my kids' occasional feistiness yet on the other hand when I fail, and throw a temper tantrum, I carry around a lot of guilt.  For me, however,  this is an acceptable side effect.

I also put a lot of pressure on myself when it comes to social situations.  Here the side effects have been disastrous.  My phobia of doing something "wrong" in public has shut me off from people and made me a prisoner of my own fears.  My perfectionism and the pressure I put myself under have worked hand in hand to isolate me from the very people I want to get to know.

One person, one attitude and yet, two completely different outcomes.  Why?

In the former the self generated internal pressure makes me a better parent although a bit hampered by guilt but in the latter the same attitude incarcerates me in a private prison.  The only difference between the two is that the objective of the former is to fix an existing problem (bad temper) whereas in the latter, no problem exists  - just an irrational fear (embarrassment).  

Based on this I say that "being hard on yourself" is not inherently bad.  It is so only when the desired outcome is outweighed by the undesirable side effects.  And so it seems, as with all things in life - balance is key.

Now I wonder what would happen if I began being hard on myself about being hard on myself in social situations?  Finding the balance in that one should be fun!